ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god