Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
something like this could probably happen to anyone
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles