People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
You Might Also Like
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok