I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*