WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Something Saturday.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
can’t catch a break
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them