10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
ACED my prostate exam!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF