HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.