I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.