Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.