If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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good let them take over I have had enough
What kind of a cult is this?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
LMAO
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”