I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely