Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Good morning!
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️