I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.