If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
What
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi