“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
the icebreaker
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.