A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m not stressed
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no