[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda