My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
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Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look