Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sign of the day..
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)