GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.