Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.