My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Any refunds available?…
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children