This is a sub tweet
You Might Also Like
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
me opening up to someone
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Smooooooth
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite