Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.