I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him