Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I鈥檓 hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice