We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My typo game is string.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home