Cardio Made Easy
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.