Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
necessity is the mother of invention
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.