Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
peeping toms
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time