Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Heroic Misunderstanding
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Can’t, holding a grudge
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand