CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats