9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Always…
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother