I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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What do you hear?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Great game to play with friends
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
sleeping beauty
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.