Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.