You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.