Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.