[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
She: I like Cats
He:
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.