Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
hmmm
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.