doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.