I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
bears
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!