You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.鈥 list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You鈥檇 think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you鈥檇 be wrong.
Me: It鈥檚 time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i鈥檓 gonna kill god.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 馃槒馃槒
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you鈥檇 know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!