“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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