THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Wikigenius
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.