I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
You Might Also Like
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I just tested negative for patience.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Knock Knock
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.