A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?