Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.