[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.