Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]