Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
You Might Also Like
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
i now pronounce you bounced.